If you’re unfamiliar with On The Buses and Italian cannibal films then this won’t make a lot of sense. To be honest the Venn intersect for this is pretty narrow. But I still think it’s funny. Certainly funnier than On The Buses.
SCRIPT EXTRACT – ON THE BUSES FEROX
Following the huge commercial success of the earlier films, Hammer made plans in the early eighties for a fourth and final On The Buses movie. Unfortunately financial problems meant that the film never got beyond the script stage and the project was quickly abandoned. However, the scripts have recently been rediscovered and here is an exclusive extract from the final scenes of On The Buses Ferox.
Scene 135
Exterior – jungle clearing. There is a large red bus in the background. Stan and Jack are leaning against the side of the bus, smoking. In the foreground Arthur is tied to a post. Opposite him is Olive, who is naked from the waist up and suspended from a tree by two metal hooks through her breasts.
Olive : Oh, Arthur. This is all your fault. Why did you have to be so rude to that native?
Arthur : Will you stop moaning you stupid woman. And try to cover yourself up. It’s not very becoming, you hanging there with your unmentionables on display.
Olive : Oh, Arthur.
A native approaches Arthur, holding a large knife.
Arthur : Oh, here he is finally. What’s taken you so long Gunga Din?
The native yanks down Arthur’s trousers and hacks off his testicles. Arthur screams in agony.
Olive : Oh do be quiet Arthur. What will the neighbours think?
Stan : Haw haw haw – look at Arthur! All meat and no veg!
Stan and Jack laugh loudly.
Scene 136
Another jungle clearing. Blakey is trapped underneath a crude wooden bench with his head poking out of a hole in its top. He is wearing his Inspector’s cap. Stan and Jack wander into shot, still smoking.
Jack : ‘Ere Stan, look! Old Blakey’s sitting down on the job!
Another native appears carrying a machete. He removes Blakey’s cap and slices off the top of his head. Blakey roars in pain.
Stan : Oi Blakey! Off the top of your head, what time is the next bus due out!
Stan and Jack howl with laughter. Blakey makes his gurning noise. More natives appear and thrust their fingers into Blakey’s skull, pulling out and eating bloodied lumps of brain.
Jack : Stone me Blakey! That’s the first time anyone’s ever picked your mind!
Stan and Jack dissolve into hysterics. As blood pours down Blakey’s face he looks into the camera and moans –
Blakey : I ‘ate you Butler.
Blakey slumps forward, dead.
Stan : ‘Ere Jack. Blakey might ‘ate me – but I reckon them cannibals ate him!
Freeze frame on Stan and Jack bellowing with laughter and
ROLL CLOSING CREDITS.