Going to the theatre? Here are some handy tips on how to ruin the show for everyone in the audience.
Do try to eat and drink throughout. Don’t limit yourself to a bottle of water, slurp away noisily on cans while rustling the noisiest sweet wrappers possible. A recent production of Edward Albee’s Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf actually banned the sale of noisy consumables, ensuring that nobody missed the delicate nuances of characters shouting “fuck off” at each other. For three hours. If you’re physically incapable of going anywhere without first getting tanked up on cheap prosecco, then don’t just stick to Mama Mia!, try turning up drunk to proper plays as well.
Theatre is of course just people talking on stage, so why not join in? Your fellow audience members will be delighted with your commentary, and if any of them has the cheek to shush you, do remember to swear at them.
If you’re short you will understandably be full of existential rage. And it’s not up to you to book seats which will give an uninterrupted view, or bring a cushion. If someone who has the nerve to be over six foot sits anywhere near you, start complaining loudly and bitterly. Because tall people can’t hear, and that’s a scientific fact.
Never forget that you’re the most important person in the entire world. As such it’s vital that you’re available 24/7, and so there’s absolutely nothing wrong with using your phone throughout a performance. It’s not arrogance, it’s your birthright. If you’re admonished, haughtily state “I was only checking my emails” then carry on playing with your phone once the usher isn’t looking. If you want to be thoughtful – which remember, is a sign of weakness – you could turn the sound off. But make sure you leave the vibration on, especially if you’re expecting the Saturday afternoon football results. If you have a smart watch, don’t bother switching it off, just let it flash away. Look at you. You’re in Blake’s Seven.
And if you fancy filming the action, go for it. Congratulations. You now have the worst recording ever made. Which you can send to all your friends during the second half. They’ll be so jealous they missed out on seeing a live show!